Thursday, June 3, 2010

Storms Ahead

So I managed to get the garden in yesterday morning (OK there are still a few things left) right before the severe weather rolled though. But you want to know a secret? Come closer, a little more. OK- here goes.

I feel guilty.

No really- we spent the money to have the two plots tilled in and then we never got around to planting them. Then we rented a tiller and I re-tilled the smaller patch. But one night, after yet another impromptu therapy session around the kitchen table, I walked outside with FarmerGeek and nearly lost it. I was so overwhelmed with the kids, the new barn, the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the housework, the garden, the 4-H project, the fact summer is coming and I will be the sole caregiver for two very needy girls for 3 months, trying to plan an adoption day party when we still don't know when exactly adoption day will be, that I just couldn't take anymore. So the result was- scale back on the garden. Which made my work incredibly less, and will make canning time easier (you just can't plan anything right now, we could get the canner going and have to stop everything to deal with Dell's issues du jour) but at the same time I feel so guilty about it.

And I'm mad because there are things I'd like to plant and can't.

Then the thunderstorms rolled in and are planning on sticking around for a while.

But then again, I already knew that.

1 comment:

Ruralrose said...

How refreshing honest you are! I think there are many women in your spot (overwhelmed). I understand your decision, your priorities have to be the big things. My husband always suggests not growing a garden to save me work too. The problem is gardening is the one domestic job I love the most, so hearing I can't do it makes me feel more oppressed. Also gardening is what a person does to prepare for the future. That said, what you are doing in your life for these girls trumps any "gardening joy" and "future preparation". Let it go, feel relieved and happy even. The heavens are blessing you for your sacrifice and will surely make life good for your all. When guilt thoughts enter your mind, especially if they are associated with money, tell yourself to let them go. There is no guilt in love, in doing the right thing. You are a different person this season, you have different responsibilities. Honor yourself for how you are building a better world, and let everything else fall to the side. Time will pass soon enough and all that is ever left in the passing of time is the wealth of love. I admire you. Peace